Dam It: A Parody of Beavers, Bold Protests and Town Politics
The Earth laughs in flowers—and sometimes in dams built by beavers. – Adapted from Ralph Waldo Emerson
Dam it! The beavers have spoken, and they’re sticking to their plan. Town council vs. beavers: A tail as old as time (and wood).
Dear Members of the Town Council,
I write to you today with a heart heavy with concern but lightened by admiration for some of the most industrious, ingenious, and downright delightful creatures to ever set paw on this earth. I am, of course, talking about the beavers.
It has come to my attention that there has been some muttering and clucking about what to do with the unauthorized dam these clever critters have been constructing on my spring pond. Unauthorized?! Since when did beavers start needing building permits? These noble architects don’t answer to your red tape or bylaws. They answer to nature itself—a code far more ancient, precise, and efficient than anything passed in a council meeting.
Before you sharpen your pencils, balance your clipboards, or (heaven forbid) consider “removing” the dam, let me remind you of something you seem to have forgotten that beavers don’t just build dams. They build ecosystems. That pond? It’s now a sanctuary for frogs, turtles, dragonflies, and heaven knows what else. Birds drop by for a sip, deer come for a dip, and I’ve even caught a fox admiring its reflection. It’s become a bustling community, free of your oversight, permits, or public hearings.
Now, I hear some of you grumbling about water flow or flood risks. But let’s be honest: have any of you seen the craftsmanship? I mean really looked? Those beavers can lay sticks tighter than any lumber you’ll find at Home Depot, and they don’t even need a lunch break. Could any of you council members even come close to this level of engineering? I doubt it. They’ve got you beat six ways from Sunday, and they don’t even charge overtime.
Let me make my position perfectly clear. I’m not angry. Not at the beavers, anyway. But I am deeply frustrated by the human tendency to meddle where meddling isn’t needed. These beavers didn’t come to you with complaints about your strip malls or that eyesore of a parking lot you approved last spring. So why should you get a say in their perfectly lovely dam?
Let the beavers be. I mean this in every sense of the phrase. Leave their dam alone. And while we’re at it, leave the dam beavers alone too and let’s just appreciate their work ethic, resourcefulness, and community spirit—qualities that, dare I say, we humans could use a bit more of these days.
So, please, find something else to fret about. Oooh, maybe potholes?! The beavers don’t fix those, after all.
Respectfully (but firmly), Walter J. Grumbles,
Proud Pond Owner and Beaver Admirer
P.S. To avoid any misunderstandings: Leave the dam beavers alone, NOT damn the beavers. There’s a difference. Thank you.
Dam it!
Permit? We don’t need no stinking permit! – Signed, The Beavers