Maine Coon NOT Main Course: Miss Sassy’s Side of the Scandal
Sass: Is it rogue if you don’t leave the house? I was a hider in the house. Things to keep kitty at home. And girlfriend is like WTF=What the Fuss?
From Miss Sassy’s perspective: How it all started was. My hooman is a KAREN! What can I say family is a life sentence. But it’s like that with family, so you forgive them, even if they are the human equivalent of hyenas. I didn’t know until the Haitian neighbors moved in next door. They feed me sometimes. Oh, the delicious delicacies that they fed me like Griot, if you ask me, just glorified pork chop nuggets but I digress. I will tell you about other wonderful dishes. I bet the Chinese restaurant up the street gave a sigh of relief when for once it wasn’t them being accused of cooking cats and dogs. Also, all she does all day is listen to propaganda. She needs to mute that ish. I was tired of listening to it and I stowed away in the basement. Maybe if she had bought me some more toys I wouldn’t have hidden so long. Plus I miss the neighbor’s food.
Bet these folks breathed a sigh of relief
I bet the Chinese restaurant up the street gave a sigh of relief when for once it wasn’t them being accused of cooking cats and dogs.
Hey everyone, it’s me, Miss Sassy, the cat behind all the drama that turned Springfield upside down. I’m sure you’ve heard by now—there were wild rumors flying around that someone in the neighborhood was eating cats and dogs. And, as it turns out, yours truly, Miss Sassy, was at the center of it all. So let me set the record straight and tell you how this whole mess started.
First of all, let me be clear: my hooman is a total KAREN. You know the type—loves to complain, finds a problem with everything, and never misses an episode of daytime drama. But it’s not just soap operas she’s into. Nope. She spends her days soaking in all kinds of Pawlitics, conspiracy theories, Pro-paw-ganda and always ranting about one thing or another. Honestly, if she had just muted that ish once in a while, maybe none of this would have happened.
But life wasn’t all bad. There was a bright spot—our Haitian neighbors. Now, those folks knew how to cook. Every so often, I’d slip over to their place, and they’d treat me to the most delicious meals. Griot, tassot, you name it—they spoiled me. Griot’s just fancy chopped pork nuggets if you ask me, but hey, when you’re a cat with a Karen owner who can’t even make a decent tuna salad, you take what you can get.
I thought I had it made, slipping out to enjoy their food whenever I could. But little did I know, things were about to take a turn UGLY.
One day, I decided I needed some peace and quiet—Karen had been on one of her rants about who knows what for hours. So, I snuck down into the basement for a break. I mean, between her conspiracy theories and endless phone calls complaining to customer service, I was done.
Little did I know, my disappearance would stir up chaos. You see, while I was hiding away, Karen was out there stirring the pot, getting worked up about her new favorite rumor—that someone in the neighborhood was eating the local pets. And guess who got blamed? Yep, my beloved Haitian neighbors. Because, of course, Karen and her crew of conspiracy-loving friends thought it made sense.
The gossip spread like wildfire, and before I knew it, people were whispering about how not only the neighbors but all Haitians in the community were the ones responsible for all the missing pets. Meanwhile, I was just chilling in the basement, completely oblivious. I’ll bet the Chinese restaurant up the street was relieved this time around—they dodged the usual stereotypes, and my Haitian neighbors were unfairly targeted instead.
They Ate… Me?
Now, here’s where things really got out of control. My neighbors didn’t just get accused of eating random pets—they got accused of eating me. Yes, me, Miss Sassy. All because I took a little break from the drama and holed up in the basement for a while. Suddenly, everyone was convinced that the sweet people who fed me griot and bouillon had somehow turned me into their dinner.
I mean, really? I was hiding out, away from all the propaganda and chaos, and next thing I know, there’s a full-blown witch hunt happening, all because Karen couldn’t stop herself.
To be honest, I would’ve come out of hiding sooner if Karen had bought me a few more toys or, I don’t know, maybe paid attention to me instead of her conspiracy podcasts. But I was perfectly happy stashing away my little “gifts” in the basement, far away from the nonsense upstairs.
Interactive Chirping Bird Cat Toy
To be honest, I would’ve come out of hiding sooner if Karen had bought me a few more toys or, I don’t know, maybe paid attention to me instead of her conspiracy podcasts..
And let’s be real—I missed my neighbors’ cooking. That’s the real tragedy here. I wasn’t out eating the neighborhood critters for fun; I just wanted some peace and quiet. And maybe a little griot on the side.
So here we are, Springfield. The truth is out. The neighbors didn’t eat me, I wasn’t kidnapped, and no one’s having cat stew for dinner. I was just a cat, hiding from my Karen owner and her never-ending Pawltics. If you ask me, Springfield could use a little less gossip and a lot more common sense over nonsense. And maybe, just maybe, Karen will finally figure out that not every disappearance is part of some wild conspiracy.
Until then, I’m back to my regular schedule—avoiding drama, sneaking treats from my neighbors, and keeping my distance from any more basement adventures. After all, family may be a life sentence, but at least the neighbors know how to cook.
Purrs and sass,
Miss Sassy
to be continued…with more Haitian dishes.
Miss Sassy Says More Cat Toys
Common Sense over Nonsense!
Catnip Toys
Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Lindt Chocolate Balls
After you take care of your Sassy, treat yourself. The best chocolate you will ever eat.
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